Early Morning Blues

I am sort of working on the first novel of my Edge of Darkness (subject to change) series while reading up on Selena Gomez's and Justin Bieber's romantic getaway. Well actually, I am actually reading people's comments to the article but damn humans are mean. I think the age of 'if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything' has completely gone out along with dial-up internet. But of course I am not actually here to write an impassioned rant about how, despite not being a fan of either, we should leave the kids alone and allow them to get on with their life. I think they probably have more important things to concern themselves with than public opinion and I personally know I have more important things to concern myself with than their hurt feelings.

Quite ironically what tops the list of my troubles is that I cannot write. I am just about halfway through the first novel with twenty-five thousand words and a bit to go but I seem to write four, five hundred words, brand them as complete and utter crap and then delete them. Now, I seem to be in full blown moping process. It happens more often than I'd like (which is never) and it always leaves me feeling restless and confused. It is the good old 'you are definitely not good enough to be a writer' phase. It eats at me until I come down with emotionally induced writer's block which, trust me on this one, is worse than writer's block of a plot-based origin.
I am doubting my plot, every chapter, every paragraph and I'm giving my characters such a hard time I think my Muse is just about to abandon me in favor of hanging out with her more cheery, less bitchy friends.

It hit me hard what I am planning to do (and the nasty, nasty comments left to that article played no small role in my major panic) by putting myself and my work out there. I mean it is a trite principle that not because you love doing something, you are necessarily good at it. Take me for example: I love singing bluesy, jazzy music (of Adele, Duffy, Norah Jones and Corrine Bailey Rae fame) in the shower or in my bedroom when my mother is not home and will not unwittingly suffer from deafness as a result. I am under no delusions that I am probably the worst singer to ever grace this planet. Let's put it this way, not even auto tune would save me.

I wonder from time to time as I finish my chapters if it is anything different with writing. I may believe that I was born to write but that doesn't mean I am good enough to actually succeed in the field or to turn out work which persons will not want to burn, stomp on then douse in water. Well, at least I'm not quitting my day job right?
I keep thinking of William Bell's advice to Walter in Fringe 'You never know how far you can go until you risk going too far'.
Truth.
I'm risking it all right, and it simply scares the bejeezus out of me.

Wish me luck, I think I might need it.


Tschuss!

State of my nerves right now.